Woman! Are you referring to me?
Well, it's a funny way to be referring to me.
I don't answer to woman.
You could, if you did yourself up a bit.
If you went for a different look. I don't do looks.
What you see is what you get.
It looks like what to wear for your next depression.
I don't put myself about to attract men.
Yes, we have noticed.
And in that respect it must be admitted you're doing a fine job.
I never see a man heading for your door.
And if you did, he'd be on business.
Have you never thought of one for pleasure?
What the Dickens is so pleasurable about a man?
We're built for it, woman.
We're creatures of air and magic.
Well, you're losing your hair and I don't see much magic.
Give us a chance woman. I can't work it from next door.
You'll have to come closer if you want the full effect.
Pass. Come and have a cup of tea.
I haven't time to be dawdling with you.
Leave the brush...
we're always a threesome.
You're missing one of the world's great dawdles.
Fortunately I was out,
but she left me some home made brandy snaps.
That's a bit frivolous isn't it... brandy snaps at your age?
It wasn't my idea. I'm the innocent party.
You can't go about recklessly accepting brandy snaps.
It could mean you're an item.
I hardly know the woman.
You weren't all that familiar with your wife.
I could beat her at dominoes. Anyway I didn't actually accept it.
She left it with Pearl.
So now she's got a witness.
Ah, you're trying to scare me. And?
You're succeeding. That's what friends are for.
How's it going, Alvin?
Fine. Yourself?
Mustn't grumble. Nice to see you.
Likewise.
How's the family?
Still bickering. Take care.
And you.
Who was that? I've no idea.
They all look the same.
Help yourself.
You must be joking.
That's not just brandy snap, that's a - will you be my Valentine brandy snap.
We'll both have one, there's safety in numbers.
What's it like?
It's very seductive.
Life is full of these tricky situations.
KNOCK AT DOOR
And here comes another.
I'm glad I've caught you, Cleggy.
Me too. Pull up a mouth and have some brandy snaps.
He doesn't count. He's not available. For what?
Romantic purposes.
I wouldn't go as far as to say not available.
You've enough on your plate.
And on his side plate.
We just love that way of life.
The different customs. The different foods.
Of course, we don't touch the garlic.
Neville would be up all night.
But he is quite adventurous with a chilli.
We sometimes talk about buying over there.
Property values aren't like ours.
Of course, they're all dirt poor.
But one can find the odd sanitary enclave.
That was delicious coffee.
I could drink it all day.
We're not doing bad. Of course, it's a simpler life.
There's really only poverty and golf.
You just hope they don't spoil it with a lot of economic development.
When they're poor, foreigners are so much nicer we always find.
I suppose I really ought to let you get on with your chores.
I always tell Neville... you can rely on Glenda's coffee.
Would you like another one?
Or did you ought to be going?
Yes, I ought to be going.
I mustn't keep you. Oh, well, in that case.
I can see you're busy.
Always a job.
I know the feeling.
Perhaps I'll just have a small one.
She's going.
Tell me she's going. She'll just have a small one.
Why do you keep offering stuff? It's not like you have much choice.
I've just been through a fortnight's holiday with her.
You're supposed to come back refreshed.
Glenda, I want you to start being nasty with her.
I can't be nasty with the woman.
You'll have to learn. I'll get you private lessons.
She's not really bad.
She just doesn't know when to go.
That's bad. No, it isn't, it's just thoughtless.
She doesn't realise she's being a pain. Tell her.
Oh, listen at Mr Big.
You wouldn't tell her either. It's not in your nature.
How can you stand it? What do you talk about all this time?
I don't know. All I can remember is Mr Mace is quite adventurous with a chilli.
Well, good for him.
How did we ever miss out on that.
We could have gone on for years not knowing that.
I'm doing my best, Barry.
Tell her we're on fire.
Tell her there's something smouldering somewhere.
There is... It's you.
He's got a gullet like a major drain.
Tell me about it.
I once watched him eat a whole bicycle.
A bicycle?
Maybe it wasn't a bicycle.
Maybe it was two pork pies and a sausage roll.
But the way he went at it...
it could have been a bicycle.
I must say she does a good brandy snap.
Unlicensed females who do good brandy snaps have no business bringing them here.
She should know that nobody who wears two vests is looking to come out of his shell.
Two vests and a woolly jumper. Exactly!
If that doesn't say 'No Trespassing', I can't imagine what would.
Speaking of trespassing, I have my own troubles in that direction.
You have your troubles in just about every direction.
And I think I know why.
We all know why.
I think I know where I've been going wrong.
Behind the Bingo Hall... in the trees down the valley...
among the bushes in the park.
I mean deception-wise.
Tactically speaking, I think my little attempts at escape have been too elaborate.
I'm beginning to think simplicity might be best.
Being simple?
Somehow, I believe you could do that.
I have a plan.
Would either of you two gentlemen happen to have any racing cycle gear?
Racing cycle? I never got beyond bicycle clips.
Mind you, they were very fast bicycle clips.
I've got a book on traffic regulations you could borrow.
What are you looking for?
Romance. Myths and Legends... far shelf.
Oh, dear!
You sound under-used excitement-wise.
You mustn't give up hope.
How many times does one have to be disappointed?
The more the merrier, I always think.
You like being disappointed?
No, but I quite like the bits till you get there.
I admire your stamina.
You're an optimist. I am.
Somewhere out there is a Mr Right.
Very well hidden behind a multitude of Mr Wrongs.
I won't listen.
You're in a bad mood. What's the matter?
It's not just a bad mood.
It's a philosophical weariness of the dark side of existence...
of the sheer weight of sorrow.
We all have days like that.
I find it helps if you paint your toenails.
Don't you find life to be endlessly bleak?
I wouldn't say endlessly.
You've got being dead to look forward to.
Art...poetry...music...I wonder if any of it really matters.
What's brought this on?
The futility of things...
the human predicament...
the struggle all creatures have just to survive...
and the phone call at the very last minute to say sorry, but he couldn't make it.
I know just what you want.
You want these. You'll be in cycling heaven.
I'd like to see them on.
I'd like to see how they look.
A fitting. That can be arranged.
I don't want any customer leaving these premises unless they're completely happy.
SNIGGERING
Slip them on.
You'll go in as a caterpillar and, when you look in the mirror, you'll be pure butterfly.
Try them on. You can't really tell from inside.
I'd like to see how they look from another person's point of view.
I think I'd know better if I saw somebody else wearing them.
It's going to be a long day... I can see that.
It's beginning to feel like one of those days when your paper money goes damp.
Don't just stand there, slip into these.
Male model. I always felt I had the profile for it.
Just put them on.
You don't have to go all Naomi about it.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
It's me.
Is that woman leaving yet?
If not I'm coming in in two minutes with a water cannon.
That's true. But, thank you, no, we don't need any double glazing.
Are you keeping her prisoner?
Do we have to wait while she digs a tunnel?
Come back to me, Glenda. It seems so long since we were alone together.
No, even with 40% discount.
I don't think so, thank you.
I'm afraid I'll have to go.
Not you. Don't you go. This is the only way I get to talk to you.
Get rid of her. She's more at home than we are.
I'll keep it in mind, but, no, we don't need a conservatory either.
Thank you for calling.
They're a nuisance, aren't they?
You'd think people could see when they're being a nuisance.
You see.
Was I wrong?
Is that butterfly or what?
Can I see him with the helmet?
You're really rushing this decision, aren't you?
Show him with the helmet on.
You have the profile, then somebody puts a bucket on your head.
Put the helmet on.
I wouldn't mind, but he doesn't even have a racing bike.
I have my reasons.
No racing cycle?
Don't go buying one before you've seen my selection.
MUMBLING
Say again. Ask him why he needs this gear when he doesn't race.
Never question the motives of a customer unless he's trying to return something.
Now then, this splendid outfit comes with a free gift...
a nearly free gift...
a substantial reduction on your own tin of wax for keeping the helmet in tip top condition.
It looks all right in the shop, but could he demonstrate it at my place?
I'd like to see how it looks in my own surroundings.
You've never really got the hang of impulse buying, have you?
Have you decided yet?
What? What is it we're doing here?
We're showing a police presence.
We're bringing comfort to the law-abiding residents of the area.
That bloke wasn't very comforted when we pinched his parking space.
I think he was basically anti-police.
He was anti-us I noticed that.
Racing gear and helmet for driving a milk float?
It'll be Health and Safety.
They won't rest till they've us all confined to bed.
I thought Glenda would be here. She's coming as soon as she can escape from a Mace. What's a Mace?
Something that sticks to your furniture by the sound of it. She drops in and forgets when to go.
Oh, we had one like that.
I used to bring Travis in in the hope that he'd drive her away.
He's usually very good at driving people away.
How does he manage that?
I've often wondered.
He just sits there.
You never see anything move, but people start getting uneasy.
You can't drive some people away.
And some you can't keep at home.
Why is it the ones who stay longest are the ones you tire of quickest?
Audrey Moxon was like that.
You have to be firm. But how?
You can't just throw them out.
You set a one-cup limit, and as soon as they finish it, you wash it up.
And if that doesn't work?
You put your hat and coat on.
All right for you. There's something intimidating about your hats.
You dozy beggar!
Here, hang on.
You see the beauty of it?
Pearl has just seen Tom dressed like this,
so when I leave dressed like this, she still thinks it's Tom.
What a sneaky mind the man has!
I see it as a gift.
Have you got a Plan B?
I shan't need a Plan B.
Best of luck, Howard.
Have you made your will?
It can't fail.
That's what they said about Bradshaw's braces.
It has the virtue of simplicity.
The simplest plans are the best.
Whilst you're swanning-off for an hour, what about me?
You can stay here and have a cup of tea. Is that so bad?
It used to be just Howard -
now I get his dependants.
What happened to Bradshaw's braces?
He was renovating a chapel in Heckmondwyke
when they gave way and let his trousers came down.
He was holding some roofing slates at the time,
too expensive to let fall.
So he was looking for somewhere to put them
when 14 ladies arrived for choir practice.
I don't believe this.
Do you believe this?
Then, quick as a flash,
he stood behind a tombstone, where fortunately the inscription read...
"Lift Up Thine Eyes."
Pearl's out there.
It doesn't matter.
I'm not me any more.
I'm Tom.
Goodbye, Tom.
Have a nice day, Tom.
Ta-ra, Tom!
What a wonderful grasp of optimism the man has.
I'm looking for one of my workforce.
Have you seen a milk float?
You want lift? I shall need a lift.
I can't climb up there.
Have no fear.
Ladies in distress are my speciality.
Very small ladies in distress his speciality.
Oh, frame yourself, lad. Well, it's not as if you come complete with handles.
I daren't grab her just anywhere. You'll think I'm stealing your wallet.
There are few unexplored places left on this planet.
But one of them is where I hide my wallet.
I think Aunty needs pair of steps.
Wife says, "Where you get this bruise?"
I say, "Old lady trod on me."
Does this sound plausible to you?
No.
It's me, it's me!
Howard?! Oh...
I thought I was being mugged.
I thought, "What if he won't accept money?"
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!
Now, girl.
Let go of that Tom. I don't pay him for holding hands.
He's got work to do.
Now go and hammer on that door and give him this invoice.
Where are you going?
It's that way.
I'll be here if he gets nasty.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's no use - I shall have to go with him.
Right, before we start, let me warn you.
Do not, repeat not, mess with my man here.
It's taking me all my time to hold him back.
That's fast for Tom.
That was fast for anybody.
Maybe express delivery.
You'd think she'd buy him a bike.
Maybe she thinks with racing outfit you don't need bike.
He's just like his father.
They have this instinctive gift for unemployment.
A bloke's entitled to a break.
Well, your father thought so.
He made one last for 60 years.
How did you do that? What?
Get here so fast.
You just passed us up Wilton Hill.
I did? Well, somebody did.
Smell of boot leather burning.
Wait a minute...
was this racing person wearing cycling gear?
Yes. And moving like a rocket.
Sounds like he does need a Plan B.
He's a credit to lunacy.
Like the man said.
The simple plans are the best.
His visor's all steamed up.
Met Marina in park. Yes, that would do it.
Doesn't anybody care if I'm dying?
Don't let him die on my hearth rug.
I'll never be able to look at it without thinking of him
and being tempted to laugh.
Hey, where's the other glove?
I had it a minute ago.
Go and find it. Aunty notices these things.
Tom...
give us a hand to shift something, will you?
I don't know where Howard's got to.
Well, come on.
Relax. Her husband's here to take her home.
You're not just saying that? Promise me you're not just saying that!
Wait!
You're not going yet. Come and sit down.
I'm not having you leaving and telling people I couldn't even offer you a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Well, aren't you going to take that thing off?
Ah! It's for Mr Mace. He's just got time for a small one.
Glenda!
Oh, it's wet!
Have you tried drinking tea with a helmet on?
Who was it said the simple plans are the best?
I still say it was a good idea.
You got some exercise. We'll give you that.
How did you get on with Pearl, then?
She's nicer to him than she is to me.
We can understand that.
You went a funny colour. It would never have suited Marina.
Oh, hello, Tom.
She thinks it's me!
Look at him - he's not being honest!
Wasn't she in the WI?
How would you know that? Have you an interest in the Women's Institute?
Of long-standing.
I'm very partial to solid, steady women in their best hats.
I think you're supposed to concentrate on one.
Women don't usually come wholesale.
They don't know what they're missing.
Being half in love with the entire Women's Institute has been a source of quiet pleasure to me for years.
Ah...!
Thank you both for rushing to my assistance.
We knew you'd be all right.
You're far too gobby for serious injury.
Now, where were we?
We were talking about Mrs Thing.
Didn't she have a tortoise called Cyril?
I think I met him.
He put me new window in.
Took him a fortnight.
This Cyril ate a gas bill.
Mine just ate money.
She said that's why she hadn't paid her bill.
You never see a tortoise these days.
You don't think they've all been cut off?